Love Me . Love Me Not .
Saturday, November 12, 2005
i took ph off today.. it wasnt approved yet, but you think i care? when you all needed me, you want me to be there immediately. but when i need something, how long did you all take to give it to me..? its about fairness lar.. well, at least you all are a tiny bit more humane yesterday. i was given 8 rooms, but im alone.. then they attached a trainee to me..for what freak?? but she was of much help to be honest. she did bathrooms i did beds. but they were giving us more and more rooms like what the hell? i give you an inch you want a yard? it was 11.15am. that freak said to me, do these 2 check out rooms by 12pm...i said BY she emphasised. you think i give a damn? if i cant make it, its your problem, not mine.. haha.. freak you all lar.. really, damn pissed off le.. at the end of everything i did 6 SIX checkout rooms and 3 occupied. well, pretty reasonable lar horr... freak them.
it was so weird. i didnt know why i felt that way, but i did. not something i wanted to feel but it just came.. he told me on monday he will be going for supper after work. with this guy and two gals who will be going back home soon. i dont like one of the gal. she is so fake and such a flirt..or am i just being spiteful. because i saw her name and number written on his "phonebook" in his card holder. and she was so happy to see him even when we were together. this is not the only gal that made me felt this way. i bought us 2 similar notebooks. that day i saw a lot of neat handwritings which was definitely not mine. he told me that gal was just teaching him english. but dont use the notebook i gave you can..? he didnt mean it but i didnt like it. well... after that i tried so hard to hide my feelings and said just go, why tell me? he just paused and asked if i would like to come along. (to see how happy she is to see you?) i said dont know, and he kept asking. so i said no. (and mumbled i didnt want to make it an odd number outing.) he didnt hear. he would have said i was petty if i told him all these. well, i was and jealous too. i admit. but its not that i wanted to..i just felt this way naturally. when it comes to this, im still really very very very unsure of myself. i can say i trust him, he wont do anything that will make me upset. how how sure can i be? what it it turns out im all wrong and history repeats? nobody can understand this feeling of mine. you dont know how is it like to love someone, trust him, be super nice and understanding, let him do everythings he wants to as long as he is happy nothing matters, only to find out he has always been lying, playing, worst cheating. not one such person, but two. such wounds never did heal and never will i think. its become a kind of fear that lives in me. one that only the one i love can help me overcome it. beacause of this, i let myself suffer.. forever worrying about things that may not even cause a single worry actually. he would just tell me its past, live for the future.. he wont understand. his good friend is already one of that kind. and he is so easily influenced. tell me, which friend would invite you to visit geylang with him? friend ok? really, are all male species like that? will there ever be an exception... none that i have heard of so far. this feeling just sucks. its just all about me. nothing to do with him.
*made my wish*<3
1:33 PM
