Love Me . Love Me Not .
Saturday, November 26, 2005
its my last day in housekeeping. well, everything was as per normal..except i was very very excited. cant wait for my day to be over! i was at the unifrom counter..it could have been pretty fun if not for some sucky people. in fact i enjoyed my last day.. after that i went line shop and stayed there for a while.. i havent seen the place and people there for a long time..i miss everything about it so much... actually, i miss f&b so much. so much so...i did something crazy today. i promised my room service assiatant manager that i would work as casual labour for him on next tue, wed, thu, fri..7-11pm. he approached me at the smoking bay on my way home..i considered and called him back and said ok. well...tiring as it may sounds..because on thu its my first day at front office and i will be working 7am that week. but come to think of it, firstly..i miss f&b. secondly..i can pass time. thirdly..i am hard up for cash..yes, i am. birthdays..xmas..aunts wedding..chinese new year.. hmmm..earning an extra 96 bucks that week doesnt sound too bad ya? hee...
i never knew my boyfriend would ever know there was such a word as r o m a n t i c in his dictionary. well..last wednesday after school i went to his place..because it was his off day and he wanted me to go over. and he made dinner for me...it wasnt just dinner. he set up a table in his room so there is air-con..also turned on music and lit a candle... yes..his version of candlelight dinner.. and like all candlelight dinners, it was unhurried and nice..really nice... he really knows how to make me happy. well, and that made up for the past few days that i couldnt see him. just that thought of it makes me feel glad.. anyway on friday i had quite a ... time too...my classmates and i..we went for steamboat (again, again) at marina south.. a very last minute descision. but it was nice... at least i dont have to go home..to an empty home so early.. when i reached home, it was almost time and he called me as usual.. after that i went to bed. its almost time again...and im starting to miss him already... =)
*made my wish*<3
11:31 PM
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
its becoming troublesome to blog. because i am always afraid it might not publish..waste my effort... soo..i have to type in wordpad then copy paste to create post. hmmm...but this a better idea i guess..?
my goodness...i have been doing quite a bit of thinking, ramblings..and my conclusion: i have been a very bad girl. my studies are getting worse. i hate to pay attention in class. i either sleep or talk in class. my working attitude is also going down the drain. i dread thursdays and look forward to sundays. i will stay out late..sometimes i dont go home. my mum is concerned and she will ask, but i just attitude her thinking she wont understand. but how can she understand if i dont speak? she is my mum. i feel so guilty. i am sorry.. i wont do that again. i will tell you everything..like how i used to. but i hope you have the time to listen too. lots of sensitive issues. a lot has taken place. bad things. but i think its time i pull up my socks(main thing)..and bring back my positive attitude.
it has been 5 months..and it just gets better each day.. he has changed a lot..for the better. all of a sudden he is no longer that workaholic, money-minded, realistic guy but someone who takes into consideration things and people around him, less unfeeling and all of a sudden realised my presence...he included me in his plans for the future and even sought my opinions. althought its still kind of early to talk about things like things. its still better for us to list out all of our obstacles in future..rather than worry when the time comes. he no longer insists i go back with him and that is really one huge load off my mind. i dont like him to state such things so clearly. i mean you will never know what the future brings right? he is becoming more and more of a good boyfirend lately and he makes me feel sooo loved. nobody cares for me like he does. nobody but him listens to me so willingly. it just cant get better.. oh..ok..enough of this. i have been going on and on i didnt realise i said so much. but what i want to say is just: i feel very happy being with him. he is my happiness right now..nothing else. =)
i look forward to seeing him tomorrow...
*miss you laogong*
very much.
*made my wish*<3
9:45 PM
Saturday, November 19, 2005
i think i am getting from bad to worse..i didnt go to work today. again.. its not that i dont want to but sighz...gotta get that motivation back. improve my attitude towards work.. well, i slept at 6am in the morning. so how could i possibly go to work at 8am? i didnt sleep on wednesday night too. and i went work on thursday..it was hell! so 2 times a work might be too much for me to take..moreover i have got a date this evening..hehe..
i didnt get enough sleep, but last night was worth the torture... i told my classmate i didnt go work today, so probably we could meet up earlier. she asked why slept so late? you both quarrelled? well...ok, you were right. partially i guess. i mean everything went ok...he was moving house yesterday, i looked him up after work, we went to his new place with his other housemates. all from shang. they were still cleaning up. so they bought me dinner and i watched tong xin yuan, watched wu chu chai hong...after that they were finally done. then his roommate came home with his "wife" and we decided to leave a while later.. it was a long way out. he suddenly stopped and asked me questions. he asked what do i worry most about being with him. i said i just feared the day when you love me no more.. well, he said for him it would be the day when he would be forced to leave singapore and he would never see me again. he said he likes me very much and hopes that even so, i would go and look for him. i didnt say anything. we sat at my block and we continued talking about a lot of things (things he usually avoided talking about) then suddenly he told me he had a stomachache (not the toilet kind) because of that redbull which he dranked with his burger. eww.. so he said he wanted to go home. and i said just one more minute.. he was so mean, he said something really mean about his stomachache..like im preventing him from going home. it was 3am. so i stood up and walked away..feeling very hurt. is one minute too much?? we stopped at another block where he would take a cab. he apologised but i was at the verge of crying and he must not see it because he hates it very very very much. i didnt say anything because i couldnt and he walked away to take a cab. i walked to our usual place, sat down and cried as usual. i couldnt accept the fact that my boyfriend would always leave me alone to cry and would never even bother to care if it will affect our relationship. sometimes he knew, at times he wont. then someone sat beside me and placed a t-shirt in my hands. he said i dont have tissue, so please make do with my shirt. i didnt know what to say beacuse i have never expected him to come back for me. i was very touched. it was a cold night and he refused to take the shirt back unless i stopped crying. he said how could i ever leave you alone to cry. well you did that before.. for the first time he held me when i cried. he asked me to promise him...the next time when i feel down and want to cry, i can always call him and he will be here to lend me a shoulder. i said i thought you hated it? he said not anymore...
he went on telling me how he realised he has been such a jerk and hopes to be a good bf but with my help. he dont know how a good bf should be like.. well... im still thinking about this incident..and i just feel so touched i might want to cry again.......
love you kangyun...
*made my wish*<3
4:01 PM
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you
Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me a world on a silver platter
And what good would it be?
No one to share, no one who truly cares for me
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you
If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby
*made my wish*<3
11:36 PM
i took ph off today.. it wasnt approved yet, but you think i care? when you all needed me, you want me to be there immediately. but when i need something, how long did you all take to give it to me..? its about fairness lar.. well, at least you all are a tiny bit more humane yesterday. i was given 8 rooms, but im alone.. then they attached a trainee to me..for what freak?? but she was of much help to be honest. she did bathrooms i did beds. but they were giving us more and more rooms like what the hell? i give you an inch you want a yard? it was 11.15am. that freak said to me, do these 2 check out rooms by 12pm...i said BY she emphasised. you think i give a damn? if i cant make it, its your problem, not mine.. haha.. freak you all lar.. really, damn pissed off le.. at the end of everything i did 6 SIX checkout rooms and 3 occupied. well, pretty reasonable lar horr... freak them.
it was so weird. i didnt know why i felt that way, but i did. not something i wanted to feel but it just came.. he told me on monday he will be going for supper after work. with this guy and two gals who will be going back home soon. i dont like one of the gal. she is so fake and such a flirt..or am i just being spiteful. because i saw her name and number written on his "phonebook" in his card holder. and she was so happy to see him even when we were together. this is not the only gal that made me felt this way. i bought us 2 similar notebooks. that day i saw a lot of neat handwritings which was definitely not mine. he told me that gal was just teaching him english. but dont use the notebook i gave you can..? he didnt mean it but i didnt like it. well... after that i tried so hard to hide my feelings and said just go, why tell me? he just paused and asked if i would like to come along. (to see how happy she is to see you?) i said dont know, and he kept asking. so i said no. (and mumbled i didnt want to make it an odd number outing.) he didnt hear. he would have said i was petty if i told him all these. well, i was and jealous too. i admit. but its not that i wanted to..i just felt this way naturally. when it comes to this, im still really very very very unsure of myself. i can say i trust him, he wont do anything that will make me upset. how how sure can i be? what it it turns out im all wrong and history repeats? nobody can understand this feeling of mine. you dont know how is it like to love someone, trust him, be super nice and understanding, let him do everythings he wants to as long as he is happy nothing matters, only to find out he has always been lying, playing, worst cheating. not one such person, but two. such wounds never did heal and never will i think. its become a kind of fear that lives in me. one that only the one i love can help me overcome it. beacause of this, i let myself suffer.. forever worrying about things that may not even cause a single worry actually. he would just tell me its past, live for the future.. he wont understand. his good friend is already one of that kind. and he is so easily influenced. tell me, which friend would invite you to visit geylang with him? friend ok? really, are all male species like that? will there ever be an exception... none that i have heard of so far. this feeling just sucks. its just all about me. nothing to do with him.
*made my wish*<3
1:33 PM
Thursday, November 10, 2005
all of a sudden i really hate hskp.. a send of sms, didnt say for whatever freak, purposely dont want to say but asked us to go to work at 8am when im supposed to work at 3pm. well, high occupancy, heavy check out, all expected.. but hey, we are not your "niu" and "ma". just because we can do a lot doesnt mean they can always multi-task us. we have our training programme for what freak? for you all to follow freaks. i stupidly reported at 7.45am. she pushed a report, pager and key to me and said, go up NOW. i looked at report. 16 freaking rooms.. im like so used to doing rooms with a buddy most of the time i dont know how am i going to start again. usually its 4 to 6 rooms, this time 16.. you want me to cry or scream or what??? i have a buddy coming to help.. but only from 9am to 2pm. what freak? well better than nothing. but this bitch pissed me off the moment she came. wah, still doing bed arr... was her greeting to me. well, i dont know whats my problem but i cant get the stupid king duvet into the cover nicely... after she left, i was left with 2.5 rooms.. one check out. i really needed help.. check out room had an rab!! it almost crushed me to death when i was lifting it. i finished close to 5pm. then they said ok good, come at 7am tomorrow.. and ya, do rooms horr... freak!! could i say no?? could i..?? i was so shagged i practically dragged myself around at home.. i was so excited i could watch my "wang zi bian qing wa", but i actually fell asleep halfway through and woke up close to 9pm. freak, what was the ending? sighz.. but at least i saw him. he called me while i was working and asked me to meet him somewhere... he gave me something =) made my day a lot better.. i miss him soo much.. havent seen him for a looong time.. maybe i will wait for him to finish work tomorrow..? but 11pm is such a sickening timing.. hmmmm.. dont know.. ...my brain has switched off i think... gotta prepare for my battle tomorrow...... zzz
*made my wish*<3
10:36 PM
Sunday, November 06, 2005
i have been so busy with i don't know what. but working 3-11 definitely wore me out. i have been working 3-11 for almost a month, or more already.. no life shift.. next week, still 3-11. sighz.. but november is here.. my last month in hskp...
yesterday, i was really really very very confused, don't know what i should do or think.. i mean i have always trusted him, on the things he says does etc.. when we first started out, he told me he already quitted smoking. but yesterday he admitted he did smoke during the first month when we were together.. how did we come to this topic..? well, last night i went vw to pick up laundry and out of the blue i just took another route..one i had never took. i had to pass by the smoking bay. over there i saw his back view, and i was really very very curious. he was tidying his uniform. as i got nearer, he turned. yes, it was him. it was him... he pretended not to see me, took that sickening god-damn freaking freaking FREAKING pack and walked away. i stood there like an idiot. then i couldn't work for the rest of the day. i kept taking toilet breaks, sat there and kept convincing myself i saw the wrong person.. it wasn't him... but later when i met him after work, he admitted. but he said it was his first one in 3 months. he was really very very stressed and upset at work that's why.. i really don't know what to believe, what not to. he promised me he will never smoke again. i just told him..if i ever catch him again once more, we are over. i just hate liars. i have always been right, guys can never, NEVER be trusted. NEVER. and it's not just about lying to me.. it's that..i just don't like, i mean i hate people whom i love soo much to hurt themselves. especially my other half.. i don't want him to do things that might possibly make him leave before me. stupid things that can hurt him. we have to be the same.. smoking to me, is not the only way out. NEVER. it's just an excuse.
*made my wish*<3
3:19 PM
