Love Me . Love Me Not .
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
i just dont know what is wrong with me.. i just met up with him near my block.. he came down after work about 9.30pm. he wanted to see me today cos he decided he wants to take up the ot tmr.. he said he cant watch this $ opportunity go by. i was thinking..so that is more important than me.. then at 11pm, he said he had to go... working at 9am tmr.. i asked him if i could wait for him to finish work one of those days this week.. cos our next date is on next mon.. he said no..he wishes to concentrate on work..me waiting for him will cause him to think about me waiting.. he finishes at 11pm anyway.. but i dont wish to not see him for a week. i will miss him, i will feel alone... i get lonely so easily.. hence i tried...to ask some friends out. well, all rejected me. not that i blame any..just no luck i guess.. i dont know what im going to do with so much free time. he asked me not to think..let nature take its course. im totally sick of going out alone..i dont wish to sit at home and stare at my handphone knowing he wont sms me..i need to do something.. this is driving me crazy. all of a sudden im stuck all over again.. i didnt go home after i met him. i sat at my void deck..and cried...not as if someone will care.. i just feel so out of place..he dont seem to realise how he made me feel.. so i sms to tell him..despite the fact he doesnt like it. well, he ignored my sms..as expected.. he told me before.. he doesnt wish to discuss questions with no answers before he go to bed. he let it be.. is this really what i want? can i really live with this? will i really be better off single..? then i wont have to worry so much about how my bf doesnt wish to accompany me.. or am i asking too much? what is wrong with me? i really love him alot now.. its not like the other time. together or not, doesnt matter..i was numbed.. this time i really want to be with him, i like being with him..but he is far too career-minded. too much of a workaholic...towards his goal of saving a millon bucks. is $ really that important in this current world? why cant things be simple and happy? i dont want any wealth or luxurious life.. all i want is someone who loves me with all his heart and cares for me when i need attention.. as long as its enough to suffice..i dont ask for more.. those r all materialistic stuff, i dont want them. i need "things" i can feel... well, he will just tell me..this is the real world..you will understand when you grow older.. im not a kid..my thinking isnt immature.. its just what i want.. and its totally different from what he wants.. career is everything to him right now.. i dont even know if my presence and absence will make a diff.. im so uncertain... problems are arising in less than 3 months..my personal time frame.. how am i even going to survive? am i really supposed to get used to this and understand? no sms the whole day, just one before he sleeps.. unless i miss a "gd morning" sms, or he wont sms me diring his so-called short break. will i ever get used to it? by the time i come to a conclusion, maybe he is already sick of my nonsense. i dont want a break up to be the way out. why did i even impulsively go into this rship..one where we arent even good friends yet. this process of understanding is wearing me out.. is parting really the only option? i dont wish for that to happen.. i love him so much... really. i was so happy to see him just now.. i forgot all these worries when i was with him. once hes gone, it all came back to me.. why am i stuck in this situation... its making me very sad... which is the best way out.... its no point thinking anymore.. i should study for my exams tmr.. maybe i just need sleep right now... but its so hard to get to sleep... unless i cry myself to sleep...... =(
*made my wish*<3
1:09 AM
