Love Me . Love Me Not .
Friday, September 30, 2005
it's a busy week once again.. i hate to wake up early in the morning... it's dark, quiet and scary!! and especially...alone... but i enjoy knocking off just before the sun sets... i was called up to do rooms again. this time..all by myself. it was stupid. i was posted to garden wing.. ..went there..."how? how? how?" then finally packed my prohost, all ready to go... then from behind me my exec brought a group of chinese trainees... took my prohost and asked to go back tower.. all the way back, set up prohost all over again... when i started my first room, i was so happy. because guest left the card on the bed..meaning don't have to change bedsheet.. hee... then slowly, one after another, got used to it. sighz.. this time cannot choose..must do both bathroom and bedroom. and i was so silly, i choose a premier room as my first room... so the bed was a challenge.. my conclusion: i still have problems handling a king-sized bed..alone. anyway, i think it's very good le. i did 4 rooms for them in 3 hours.. i had my lunch at 2pm!! then asked me go back to do again... ot but no pay... so i slack... did one room and went home.. haha.. i'm not free labour.. no lar..i'm most willing to help.. as long as i don't see that freak in the clerk room...i would do anything..ANYTHING. manz..i hate him... think hskp consists of the most screwed up jerks..mainly male species.. i'm becoming more and more detestful..but i have to survive you see... anyway, there are also nice guys.. funny too.. there's this one big plump malay guy who never fails to make me laugh until i get a stitch... my god..today..i laughed the craziest i think.. it isn't funny to me now...thinking back..what if i get a complaint letter? haha.. anyway...this guy was fooling around making funny noises at our executive wing..not knowing a guest is waiting for lift behind us.. when i turned and saw...i couldn't take it.. the guest was looking at us in horror! i mean what kind of person would hide behind a pillar and go "hmmph! ... hmmph! ... hmmph! .." loudly. well, he did that to scare the auntie of that floor... hahahahaha....damn funny. why was i with him i was supposed to go up and scold him for taking a long time to deliver us the dirty laundry... in the end...... ha ha.
today i didn't get to see my darling... he is still working right now. and i miss him a lot... my love for him just grows unknowingly each day.. i can't wait for tomorrow to come.. maybe i will see him, maybe not.. but at least there is a chance.. i'm still debating with myself. should i wait for him to finish work at 11pm, or should i go to the ktv to help my parents out with the competition-finale...ne? daddy and mummy will be leaving for new zealand next wednesday night. think i will miss them.. for the next 13 days, it's "survivor" for me and my siblings!! ha.. just hope to spend more time with them before they go on this vacation. so...it's a hard decision... hmm....either way, i will be happy. i'm so xin fu...... because i have my kang yun... hee.. =)
*made my wish*<3
10:14 PM
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
it doesn't not matter what people think..really.. but i really wonder if i seem like i'm acting weird. i don't know.. i have too much time again.. i started reading my blog all over again from april. and i think i'm weird. i mean, i use weird because i can't explain.. right now..i am refering to my ..love life... if i ever talk about this to anyone, just anyone. they will tell me..let it go. you have made your choice..why do you even bother to think back when you are happy now.. but i can't help it. my mind wants to ponder. i cannot imagine how a relationship..coming 3 years could be so fragile... how is it possible it just ended..... it's like a dream.. till today, i still think about it. sad, yeah.. but who is the bad guy? me right...... i was the one.. i made that choice. i'm the hateful gal. but all of a sudden i couldn't understand why.. it wasn't the usual tiff then patch..it was an end. i did it. all because i wanted to be happier.. (for the moment..?) before that i was reading this book..it was saying "make up..don't break up..relationships have obstacles that we need to go thru...etc......" yup, it is still in my mind.. i guess, i just thought maybe he would do something..something that will make me want to go back to him again. but nothing ever happened. disappointment, sadness, then nothing. no more..i don't feel for it anymore.. just will think back... ya...sometimes. i think he is doing very well now. just might as well.. at least there will not be anymore unhappiness caused by me... no, we hasn't spoken to each other ever since the last time we saw each other. i should know better how i should be outta his life.. it's just sad. ya ya ya..i brought it upon myself. i know... sighz... why do i think so much. no, i'm not unhappy now. in fact i'm very happy. just that some things..it takes time to get used to....
yesterday...met up with my kangyun... i was going home from school, he came to mrt station to wait for me.. he just viewed a room near my area..a bit too pricey. then i went home, took a shower, then packed my dinner...went downstairs to eat with him.. he knows i want to go on a holiday (away from sg) very badly.. we were planning to visit his hometown next year.. now he wishes think about other choices.. because he was thinking of visiting hk's disneyland... then we wrote options on pieces of paper.. china, taiwan, hongkong.. pick till we both pick the same.. but not fun de....we both picked the same one the first try. yup, it's hongkong.. so now have to save $$$.. next year march...not a long way.. hehe.. his birthday is coming...13 october.. he wants to spend his birthday at sentosa... he hasn't been there yet. what should i buy for his birthday.... ? hmmm...maybe a watch with a square face...he is looking for one like that... ok, feeling zzz already.. time to oink.. this week working 7-3..i need sleep...
wish me sweet dreams......
*made my wish*<3
10:06 PM
Monday, September 26, 2005
i was about to log into my blogger account just now.. then..typed too fast..logged into a past account. saw my previous blog.. still reading it now.. lots of memories.... the last blog on that page was 16th july 2004.. talking about my first day of work at rose veranda. well...it has been more than a year now. i closed that blog because of a stupid thing in it. i was soo immature then.. feel free to venture into my past: http://loveme-lovemenot.blogspot.com haha.. it's worth a laugh..keep all comments to yourself though. lol..
i had a very busy work week. every single day. working till late but i still met up with him.. every single day of last week. there's good and bad.. good in a sense, i get to see him, i'm happy. i was very unhappy during my work week..he really cheered me up. bad because..we met up although he was working at 7am the next day. he hasn't recovered since the east coast trip..i don't know what i can do.. he still insisted on meeting up. i just hope he get well soon.. hope his blackie chef doesn't torture him with such irritating shifts.. haha..not because he is a black..because he is very tan. lol... on sunday we went suntec..watch the myth..nice movie too. quite touching.. i guess it's nice movie season..? i wanna watch the skeleton key next... haha.. sometimes...i think..he is too nice to me. why does he always give in to me.. sometimes i think i'm really very irritating. especially when the time of the month is coming again... anyway, i was annoying..i don't know how he could stand me and actually managed to make me feel happier.. the things that he does and say... i'm just very happy. all of a sudden i feel so xin fu.. he is making me love him soo much.. i won't be seeing him again for a week..due to different shifts. but just by thinking of him, makes me happy.. (love my darling soooooo much!!) we have been together for more than 3 months and counting....
first day of school today was alright.. except that hskp teacher is already condemned by meee.. she is a sicko. period. i don't look forward to school tomorrow..so hopefully i won't be late.. i'm so sleepy..gonna zzz le ba... wish me luck this semester....
p.s.miss my kang yun....... =)
*made my wish*<3
8:26 PM
Monday, September 19, 2005
exams are over..going back to work tomorrow. but im thankful for my evening shift-3-11/2-10 for e whole of tis week..! well.. had quite a busy weekend last week.. on e day of e last paper, my classmates and i actually went IMM's giant to shop for bbq stuff..when we arent even sure if everythings confirm..ha. but finally on sat..we managed to pitch a tent and bbq just next to the beach.. wah...excellent spot until some race came..thank god they left, not overnight..haha.. then he came too..after work..cos it has really been a week since we last met up. then we went for a walk that lasted e whole night... but my poor friends...they couldnt sleep...tortured by some other race...drumming e whole night...singing like birds that had problems sleeping.... aiyoyo..we went back at about 5am..distracted by e noise, and saw them half-asleep-half-awake. then my god!! heavy downpour!! sky soo scary!! we grabbed everything we could and rushed for shelter. haha.. so ke lian... it was 6.30am. he sent me home in a cab..then went to work...9am-11pm shift..never sleep e whole night..my goodness..he can take it! cos that very sunday, we already planned to meet up to stay up e whole night till today.. ya, we did.. we even went crystal jade for brunch..played some video games..then went for a movie-A Sound of Thunder(i was glad.it was a great movie.my type of movie)..i fell asleep halfway thru though...haha.. hmmm...we talked about a lot. mainly about his workaholic-sm. he felt really bad, i saw that..and regretted bringing up the issue.. but at least i got it off my chest..no longer feeling sad... hee.. tis whole week hes working 3-11 without OT.. which means... ok, we are meeting up after work tomorrow.. haha.. all of a sudden, dont like myself.. why am i always such a petty, sensitive and troublesome gf.. he is such a sweet bf..why didnt i see that then? anyway, i just like to think so much, too much. have too much free time, dont know how to spend. sighz..hate me ba. wah..i cant take it.. havent slept properly for 2 nights.. badly need sleep. might sleep soon... zZz..
*p.s.loving him more......
*made my wish*<3
7:44 PM
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
just came home... went out with my classmates after sch.. ate dimsum at china square then went orchard to window shop.. well, atmosphere was good but food wasnt great.. most tasted like mooncake i dont know why.. anyway, im still so full.. didnt take dinner.. my maths paper was a goner for me, i will fail, i know it already.. did i even study properly? i think my mind just pushed everything away... my mind was a blank during exam... i dont wish for history to repeat.
i felt a little better last night after he called me.. our usual chat.. very short one.. just 20 minutes or so.. he asked me if i was happy spending time with my classmates (yesterday i was with my classmates after exam, they were studying).. i didnt reply.. then he said he missed me.. i didnt reply.. so he said he gotta go. i said go ahead. so he said he loved me. i said so what you want me to say? (dont ask me what is wrong with me. i have already said i dont know whats wrong with me soo many times.) then there was silence......... he carried on talking.. he told me he remembered something while working... he was thinkiong about the first time he sent me home.. how we were still friends and were talking about our lives, future and stuff.. then re-remembering the first time he saw me at work... etc. i dont know.. i dont know what to feel. then he told me he really wants to work hard, for his own future..he dont wish to live life simply..he wants to be well off..so he and his partner dont have to work. he doesnt want his partner to suffer work. he said the working world is a cold hard place.. right now is the right time to grab every single opportunity. what should i think? how should i feel..? i dont know..will someone enlighten me on this? i really dont know. then he requested that i say goodnight before i go to bed.. but he forgot to do the same... there is no wrong or right in the way i feel i guess.. maybe im just still so not flexible in my thinking. im just in a confused state. i have never felt this way.. sighz...
im gonna spend my day studying for front office ops exam tmr..its gonna be a killer paper i know... sleep on my worries...sleep them away(although i know it wont go away)...but sleeping means im not awake to think....
excellent choice! =/
*made my wish*<3
10:28 PM
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
yet another dreamless night last night.. woke up feeling sad as usual.. dont know what is it that i really want.. daydreamed throughout the journey on my way to sch.. i cant make up my mind... i guess its not e fact that he isnt spending time with me. but how it doesnt matter to him when we dont meet up.. how he can meet me during luch at work, but cant sms me when im not at work. little things.. i dont know.. how can a person be so workaholic? is this how its supposed to be? i dont know.. have to study for my maths exam tmr.. but im not in the mood... how can i feel better... if he were to put down his work and everything, just give me some time, i wont be happy too. just what is it i want.. why is it making me feel sad.. sighz...yet another home alone night... i dont want anybody at home anyway..im rejecting people now... all go away.... i just want to think alone.. until i feel better..i just cant do anything properly.. my life just sucks right now... -_-
*made my wish*<3
8:45 PM
i just dont know what is wrong with me.. i just met up with him near my block.. he came down after work about 9.30pm. he wanted to see me today cos he decided he wants to take up the ot tmr.. he said he cant watch this $ opportunity go by. i was thinking..so that is more important than me.. then at 11pm, he said he had to go... working at 9am tmr.. i asked him if i could wait for him to finish work one of those days this week.. cos our next date is on next mon.. he said no..he wishes to concentrate on work..me waiting for him will cause him to think about me waiting.. he finishes at 11pm anyway.. but i dont wish to not see him for a week. i will miss him, i will feel alone... i get lonely so easily.. hence i tried...to ask some friends out. well, all rejected me. not that i blame any..just no luck i guess.. i dont know what im going to do with so much free time. he asked me not to think..let nature take its course. im totally sick of going out alone..i dont wish to sit at home and stare at my handphone knowing he wont sms me..i need to do something.. this is driving me crazy. all of a sudden im stuck all over again.. i didnt go home after i met him. i sat at my void deck..and cried...not as if someone will care.. i just feel so out of place..he dont seem to realise how he made me feel.. so i sms to tell him..despite the fact he doesnt like it. well, he ignored my sms..as expected.. he told me before.. he doesnt wish to discuss questions with no answers before he go to bed. he let it be.. is this really what i want? can i really live with this? will i really be better off single..? then i wont have to worry so much about how my bf doesnt wish to accompany me.. or am i asking too much? what is wrong with me? i really love him alot now.. its not like the other time. together or not, doesnt matter..i was numbed.. this time i really want to be with him, i like being with him..but he is far too career-minded. too much of a workaholic...towards his goal of saving a millon bucks. is $ really that important in this current world? why cant things be simple and happy? i dont want any wealth or luxurious life.. all i want is someone who loves me with all his heart and cares for me when i need attention.. as long as its enough to suffice..i dont ask for more.. those r all materialistic stuff, i dont want them. i need "things" i can feel... well, he will just tell me..this is the real world..you will understand when you grow older.. im not a kid..my thinking isnt immature.. its just what i want.. and its totally different from what he wants.. career is everything to him right now.. i dont even know if my presence and absence will make a diff.. im so uncertain... problems are arising in less than 3 months..my personal time frame.. how am i even going to survive? am i really supposed to get used to this and understand? no sms the whole day, just one before he sleeps.. unless i miss a "gd morning" sms, or he wont sms me diring his so-called short break. will i ever get used to it? by the time i come to a conclusion, maybe he is already sick of my nonsense. i dont want a break up to be the way out. why did i even impulsively go into this rship..one where we arent even good friends yet. this process of understanding is wearing me out.. is parting really the only option? i dont wish for that to happen.. i love him so much... really. i was so happy to see him just now.. i forgot all these worries when i was with him. once hes gone, it all came back to me.. why am i stuck in this situation... its making me very sad... which is the best way out.... its no point thinking anymore.. i should study for my exams tmr.. maybe i just need sleep right now... but its so hard to get to sleep... unless i cry myself to sleep...... =(
*made my wish*<3
1:09 AM
Saturday, September 10, 2005
its been a hard day today.. i was called out of the clerk room, like yesterday...to clean rooms! occupancy increasing, staff shortage, trainees come in handy.. multi-tasking us.. cleaned a lot more rooms than usual.. totally shagged.. it meant late lunch.. at 2pm...can u imagine? im knocking off at 3pm. kendurina closing already at 2.30pm.. but he waited. then i told him today.. he is doing too much overtime.. (minus:you're neglecting me!) he said.."let me do tis one full mth of overtime..let me see how much can i take..let me concentrate on work just tis once? after that i will give u all the time you want. im doing wat a guy should do, work diligently. u should know im workaholic." i didnt say anything.. my heart was screaming "wat about me?!" i never told him. he will just ask me to grow up. the way i feel..is tat wat ppl say..immature? how mature can i get? my 20th bday hasnt even passed.. well, so is it time i start to think about "me" as a person..? i should understand n give him all the time he wants.. doesnt matter if we dont even meet up to go out.. is tat wat i should be doing? i dont know. he wasnt really like totally ignoring me.. he meets me during lunch, then he calls me after work.. i should be satisfied.. but im just so insatiable. perhaps its time i keep myself fully occupied. so i dont hav time to feel alone or think about such issues that he doesnt like to discuss. tis kind of time apart...will it bring about anything? well..at least he made plans to give me few hrs.. next tues..he will stop at 5.30pm to meet me.. but he said..if im planning to go home early to study for my paper next day, he suggests we meet up after his over-time period. of cos i want to meet.. sounds so egoistic.. sickening him... well... tis leads me to it again.. im thinking of approaching banquet.. since im working 7-3pm..i can do ot after tat at bqt? make me a workaholic.. 7am to 12am daily. haha... then i will start to turn old n ugly.. lol.. lack of beauty sleep.. but ya, im looking for ot to do right now.. keep myself occupied... well...wait till i find one.. right now i hav start flipping through newpapers, help him ask about room rentals..he wishes to rent one here.. so we could meet more often.. is it really feasible? but one major problem...i dont like talking to strangers...so its gonna take me ages to think: to call or not to call... haha.. im sleepy..call tomorrow(maybe)... zZz.. missing him like crazy....("v")
*made my wish*<3
8:23 PM
Friday, September 09, 2005
havent been blogging for a looong time.. almost a mth.. well, my com kept letting me down..wat can i do..? soon, i got so sick of it.. but i decided to give it a last try... if u dont see tis blog, it means i hav given up n will never see me blog again..! hah.. lately i hav been really busy..with work, sch n social life.. no time for com to let me down..hee.. exams next week..sho happy.. cos it means a break frm sch n boring lessons!! it will be a full work week following tat, n best shift:3-11/2-10. hehe.. but then, no social life... who cares...hah..at least dont hav to be home alone.. life's been great, work has been pretty sucky..not as if i really give a damn...im numbed by it i guess... my hotel taught me to be cruel, cold, heartless, a hypocrite, robot, n most of all..be an actress...work's my stage.. put on a fake smile... then cry when i on my way back home....! lol... its true... hate hskp. =/
he has been very busy too.. making mooncakes.. its been almost 3 weeks... he's working 9am-11pm daily. yup, havent been meeting up except during lunch.. he is soo sweet. he wants me to miss call him during my lunchtime so he could come up to eat with me too... it doesnt matter how late...cos i hav late lunches all thanks to hskp. so we still manage to spend some time together.. if he finishes early..he will takes a bus here to meet me then...take a cab home past midnight...which is bad...=( anyway...shall not harp on it.. he is making me love him more and more its scary..! dont wanna be too dependent on him... so i can understand he's a workaholic.. although it makes me sad sometimes..he never fails to make up for it. urghh...ok, stop. enough. dont wanna say so much.. making me sounds like... anyway..ya, initially i was quite upset..cos i hav free days-fri to mon after exams, but we cant even meet up. hes working... so i hav to occupy myself with something useful, i dont know what yet.. no, i dont blame him..he's talked abt it before already.. so...in e mean time...i wont blog again...my com is gonna let me down, i know. so...wait for october. haha... my darling's bday is coming...... hah.. wat shall i get him...? p.s. tat day he bought me a blouse cos he bought a shirt for himself too..first time in my life..a guy bought me a top..so touched...hee =)
*made my wish*<3
8:57 PM
