Love Me . Love Me Not .
Saturday, August 06, 2005
didnt go to work yesterday.. it wasnt fake.. it's for real tis time.. im still feeling terrible.. i need medicine to get to sleep..cos nose blocked, i cant sleep! yesterday we still met up as planned, but near my house.. i thought about so much things while waiting for him.. abt how i used to swear i will never get a bf in e hotel line cos they wont hav time for an attention-seeker like me. n how i wan to make my work life "clean" so ppl wont gossip n worse come to worse i can alwaz turn to work for help..but... how my lifestyle has changed cos of his unpredictable work schedule.. sometimes i think about how long we can last. maybe we both noe very well we may not be together in e end, but why carry on? he has big dreams, minus me. i hav dreams..but in e end i want someone who loves me n place me as top priority which i noe very well he wont. at time i dunno wat to think n may even harbour thoughts like wat if he juz wants to hav a gf then dump me when its time to go home.. such scary thoughts.. but..e moment i see him. all these unhappy thoughts go away immediately... when i see him, i feel much more secure n sure of wat im doing.. but i dunno..accepting his lifestyle does it mean getting used to it, or really like it? i used to play e dominant role in rship..decision-making, etc.. i suddenly feel like im living a totally diff lifestyle when im with him.. cant really be myself, yet. after all, we share very diff thinkings, tastes but very similar stubborn character.. we both juz love to be right so at e end of e day there is still no one who is wrong.. well well... feeling quite confused..hoping someone can clear such doubts (but no one can).. i hav brought up tis before.. he doesnt really like to discuss such issues. it makes him unhappy i hav such thoughts. he asked me to keep myself occupied, one day i will noe..tats all.. leave tat issue aside.. it gives me headaches.. its less than 2 mths n i hav such thoughts..its bad news..!today supposed to do rooms..but as i was about to wash e toilet of a wonderful suite..a call for me.. they wants me to help out at tat huge scary suite..wrap up artifacts till 10.30am. i was so curious i started to wander around e suite..amaze myself..then nearly lost my way again. lol.. then 10.30am to 2.30pm, mini-bar needs help..its me again... then i hav to go back to do e artifact thingy. its really hard work ok.. havent worked so hard for a long time.. its very "kua zhang", but i worked till i got so dizzy i didnt recognised him when i saw him.. he was like "ahem, didnt u see me?" i juz sighz..work..n dazed away.. lol.. feeling sleepy now, again... got to get more rest.. i want to get well soon... zZz.... ;_;!
*made my wish*<3
10:30 PM
