Love Me . Love Me Not .
Friday, July 01, 2005
i have realised.. what that may seem to last may not even last at all from the very beginning.. it may be just other factors that prevented me from letting go.. maybe the sweet memories, maybe some happiness, maybe just cannot bear to, or maybe..just too used to it.. my traditional thinking.. thinking first would always be the last.. feelings can always be built up.. since it had been so long, it had to last.. but what matters most i guess was still mutual feelings.. i cannot be so selfish.. letting go hurts, but just for a while.. maybe mentally.. sure i do miss those things.. things like how i would always get a goodnight call to put me to bed, how i would receive at least 3 'i love you's and 'i miss you's smses in a day, how i could rant on and on about all the anger and frustration i have in me, how i could have someone give in to me on just about everything.. all these.. i realised i might not have it once again.. but at least i had it before.. not that presently i don't have it. it's just not the same.. some things i have to learn to give in.. give and take, that's the new part.. yup, it's sad.. i am, still am, will be for some time. i am not all that heartless.. things and pictures.. all these memeories that he wished i would throw away.. but i didn't.. just don't want to yet.. new things i have to accept.. (happily because i finally understood) he is in the hotel line, he has to work OT, accept OT so he could bring it home, he is not as loving, he won't say often some things that i love to hear, it still takes some time... but the best part.. he understands, he talks about things, he speaks up about everthing he has in his heart, he has his plans, goals and ambitions, he cares a lot, he thinks a lot, the way he pampers me giving in to me, serious when it comes to work, fun when it comes to play, how he would want me to be part of every single activity in his life (from frequent jogging to visiting his senior chef), how much he wants me to help him improve his english, how happy he is to see me, how he wants to see me everyday, how he makes time for me, how he decided to give up his OT for me, how he decided to plan his off days to be the same as mine... so much that is happening in my life i could hardly take in all of them at a go.. is this for real..? will it last..? i would ask.. each time.. he never fails to assure me.. it is hard to believe, but i am his first girlfriend.. i doubted that, but it's really true.. i kept thinking about all these.. it feels just like a dream. to be with someone you truly like a lot a lot.. one thing i have never dared to do since... it's time i stop these doubts. be optimistic, he always says that to me.. well... in such a short time, he made me realise so many things about life.. how can i ever do without him..? i won't say i love him, but i like this guy a lot.. if this is a dream.. i hope i never have to wake up......
*made my wish*<3
10:36 PM
