Love Me . Love Me Not .
Sunday, June 12, 2005
"last day" at work today. for now... cos e next time i return to work is on e 21 june!! so sad... i wanna work.. anyway, had a great day at work today, yesterday n day before yesterday. hee... we started selling chocolate fondue n its soo fun..!! haha.. BUT, rite now. exams...here i come.... eWw...
well... hav been daydreaming a lot lately. im not mad, really, im juz thinking. all of a sudden had soo much feelings i hav never felt before for a long long time. tis is supposed to be my secret! but, i juz cant keep it inside, n i cant tell anyone rite now!! if only someone could answer these doubts of mine.. im so confused, so doubtful of myself, so happy. haha.. i really wonder.. n i think it is true. some things do change over time. nothing will remain e same forever. well, it has somehow changed for me rite now. n e worst thing of e worst worst thing, e thing is: feelings. sometimes i do wish tat we can carry on n be e same, maybe forever. but i realised my character wont allow me to. i hope such things wont happen at all, but tat was naive thinking. human can be very complicated. i may seem like a simple gal, with a simple life, simple rship. but no, i am not like tis on e inside. i dunno if tis is juz part n parcel of long term rship or izzit a real change, but these things juz bother me rite now.. u wont believe it. i actually sort of cast my bf aside, esp after i started working evening shift. i didnt sms him, didnt call him, not in e moring, not at nite. he calls n i said i dun feel like talking. i dunno wats with me. i juz suddenly realised wat i did n it was soo mean. not me. i dun feel like going out with him, n even dun wish to go to e chalet we had booked for next week. tis feels so sad, weird n complicated! i dunno izzit cos of e unhappiness we alwaz face each time we go out-his mother, or izzit i hav had enough n rather go out with someone else. all of a sudden, i yearn to be single again. honestly, i do enjoy being single (before him). after him, im juz soo dependent on him, soo used to him. if i were single now, i wont hav soo much doubts. well, u ppl may feel ya noe, going out with someone else when ure attached is no big deal. but to me, it matters. simply cos i dun wan my bf to do e same to me! but again, i changed tis philosophy of mine recently. i rather choose a guy who is fun but flirtatious, than a guy who is faithful but boring. i really dunno... if i tell himj im gonna go out with so n so agin, hes gonna get mad. but if i keep it frm him, it feels sooo wrong!! but no matter wat he says, i will still go out. cos i feel happy, but with guilt. at time i wonder if its true. maybe hes still a student, never worked before, so he will never understand. so i dun tell him abt stuff tat happened at work. but i ought to tell someone, n e person is never him! big test to our rship. will i ever regret if i gave it up? or i shd stay n be bored to tears, be unhappy? im not tat old yet, i should still make more frenz while i hav e chance rite? sighz... *prays*may tis mystery be solved soon*prays* anyway, gonna say something very typical of a single... i didnt see him on thurs n fri, so i was praying very hard i would see him today so i can study happily. n...i saw him. i dunno why am i happy to see him, dun ask me, tats a mystery too... anyway, saw him many many times... he came to my shop again. asked me out(again). i said yes. e day before, i said no...cos...i dun wanan go swimming with him(he juz learnt to swim, cant save me)! LOL.. anyway, he would really make a good fren if he would ever be a good fren of mine. cos i like guys like him. anyway, he wans to go n see tis exhibition, n i thought it was nice, so ok... im starting to sound soo xxx... i shall say no more.. juz take a step at a time, be happy =) tmr gonna cut hair... haha... n i hope to buy a pudding hamster if i see any i fancy.. hehe... i miss hunny... my very first pudding. i still think abt him... =( well... ok, gonna zZz soon... =P
*made my wish*<3
12:33 AM
