Love Me . Love Me Not .
Monday, June 27, 2005
some things juz cannot be avoided i guess.. wat i say n feel dun really telly.. i dun wish to run away from wat i feel anymore. i dun really noe wat i was doing. but now it seems clearer to me. yes, i am happy. but at e expense of another.. we hav been together for 6 days already.. seeing each other everyday.. lots has taken place within tis 6 days tat made me feel i didnt make e wrong choice. but i still hav my doubts. like any other would.. after all, like wat u ppl say, its juz 6 days. cant tell much.. he did a lot for me. many things juz to show me tat he sincerely wants to be with me. for 7 mths he has never given up, let alone now. im such a brat in tis rship.. forever doubting wat he say n does..typical me. but he has a way with me.. things tat he said made so much sense.. he is like someone i hav alwaz wanted. he is 3 years older, matured in his thinking, has a goal in life, cares deeply for me, always ensuring im alright... rship problems made me lost my appetite.. tat day during work, i had dinner with him. i still couldnt eat. he saw me n didnt eat either.. he had knocked off while i had to work till 11pm. at 10 pm, he smsed me to tell me tat he was at e same old place near my house. i reached there only at 12am. he cooked something for me. something he made himself.. he came up with.. tat was like soo nice of him. today was his off day, but he decided to make a soup for me instead of doing his usual stuff. today's was a total surprise. he does a lot of ot n doesnt give himself off days. but now cos he has me. he not only decided to give himself off day, he even made it a permanent sunday so its e same as mine in future. he talks a lot about e future...many things i dun even dare think about.. soo much has happened in such little time tat i need some time to absorb wats tats happening... i do like him very much.. but guilty? definitely.
*made my wish*<3
11:55 PM
Monday, June 20, 2005
im finally home!.. but very sunburnt.. e worst one i hav got since years ago.. how am i going to go work tmr.. feeling soo irritated cos i cant sleep, cant lie, feel so uncomfy in my clothes n urghh...hav to sit up straight..! left sentosa abt 9.30am.. so early.. but i wanna go home le! miss home...! ;)
yea...im such a bad gf.. tis was supposed to be our vacation. but i took tis opportunity... intiated...a break up...on e very first day... yea..he was sad n all... but wat can i say... i juz wan it to be fair to all... but i guess he still wanted a chance.. he let me take a break instead.. he didnt wan to part..yet.. so i guess...yup..distance in time might do some good..? but also might make things more complicated.. i dunno... after tat he take it as it didnt happened n we did usual stuff.. guess wat we caught tis time at siloso? tis old man caught tiny seahorses, squids, a variety of little fishes, crabs..n gave it all to us. there were more than hundreds of fishes in e sea tis time. we even spotted a alomost 30cm long swordfish! lol... my goodness.. so we spent our time separately, catching fishes on e second day.. we set e trend n in less than 15 mins, more than 20 ppl were also catching fishes.. then all of us started comparing n stuff.. very funny... after tat we went sakae to eat, went to our usual spot to chat. went back to sleep n went home e next day.. his mum was calling him already.. so cant really stay anymore.. so here i am.. at home, typing away... thinking about some others things as well... at e chalet, despite his angry protests, i was replying someone else's sms.. ever since tat day, he sms-es me frequently..even today.. i dunno why he keeps contradicting himself..e things he says n does... but wat im saying is, there is nothing wrong in replying a fren's sms rite?...
i dunno wat will come out of tis.. but i guess i really do need time to think things thru.. distance might do us bad.. but i really dunno wat else can we do... i dun feel sad yet. i dunno..maybe i wont noe wat i hav got until i really lose it. or maybe, im juz tired already. i dunno wats e right choice. but i noe continuing tis rship wont bring me happiness. our endless quarrels since we were in different classes, to make things worst, i left sch, started working.. rite now, we cant communicate..he doesnt understand me n my job problems n all, i cant understand tat he is still schooling thus not soo matured in his thinking.. many many issues....
but right now, i dun wan think abt these anymore.. taking a break does not mean im going to look for a new one.. might make things worse.. take things as it comes n go i guess...... :/
*made my wish*<3
3:10 PM
Saturday, June 18, 2005
hav to go to e chalet later.. dun feel excited anymore.. cos tis may be e last... i dunno yet.. someone? save me from tis misery... im becoming a kind of person i hate soo much!! i could even hardly believe wat i did.. yesterday, he waited for me to finished work. we finished abt e same time.. he wanted to meet, i dunno for wat yet. but i met him..all he said was he wanted to send me home.. its was 11pm! instead we stopped at typ, sat somewhere to chat then walked home about 12.30am!! at my block, we continued to sit around.. yea, my mum called, but i told a lie.. white lie.. he said many things tat made me soo confused. things tat should not be said! he wanted no answer though.. i pretended not to understand.. i went home abt 2.30am. he needs to go to work at 6am.. then why did he not go home n rest instead..? he sms-ed me something more confusing for me... e thing here was tat why didnt i wanna go home..? its soo late already.. why would i rather stay.. i didnt tell him, he was asleep anyway..he will only get angry.. tis is soo not fair to him. i dunno wat is it, but i juz feel tat way... if there wasnt someone new..would i be feeling tis way..? they tell me..be happy. tats most important.. but wat abt past memories, happiness we shared (used to at least), im so used to him, so dependent... its so selfish. its juz me im thinking of... how did i end up in tis abyss of entangled feelings n doubts...!! :/
*made my wish*<3
10:25 AM
Thursday, June 16, 2005
its not juz abt his mum anymore. its something about us.. something i think about day n night. r there even any memories left that can make me feel e same again. will tis weekend make a diff to us. in my heart i hope it will. i dun wan things to change. but i cant prevent. u r not even aware. when i dun call, dun sms, dun even wan to see u, u juz think tat im busy. well, things aint e same n i cant tell u. its a good thing u dun read my blog though. will talking about it help at all. we have been talking about it for e past 2 years. its time to do something else about it. will distance really make us better. wat if eventually i choose to leave. will u hate me. u already hate some things tat i do now. but i didnt care. why didnt i care. why dun i feel e same anymore. wats love. i hate to ask. but do i still love you... ?
*made my wish*<3
5:30 PM
last paper tmr.. but after tat hav to go back work!! cos they shorthanded. since working with someone i prefer, i dun mind. ;) yesterday went to see e ice sculptures. wonder why soo ex.. $16 per pax, plus coat $2 each.. lol.. anyway, met him abt 6plus then went for a while.. it was soo weird ok.. cos he wanted to play tat snow sleigh thingy, n i dun wan.. but in e end i did.. n guess wat? couldnt get up frm tat thing!! it was extreeemely cold, i wore those shoes n snow was up to my ankles..! yea, he was aware n immediately dragged me out of tat coldness although i still dun wanna go... then went starbucks to chat... if tat wasnt enough, on e way home got stuck under a study area near my block, n continued to chat... dunno why... but it was very very nice chatting with him. as if i knew him for a long time. lol.. honestly, chat until i dun wanna go home! went home abt 10.30pm.. i asked him.. since when did he noe i exist.. not a funny qn. cos he seems to noe a lot abt me. then he told me.. e first time he saw me was abt 7 months ago.. when i was a "houseman", he saw me laying tablecloth at e ballroom. 2nd, was when i was still at bqt, at e kitchen during a dinner function. 3rd, was when i was going into staff canteen n he was going out.. 4th, in e lift. 5th, outside room service, he decided to ask for my name n number..a scary incident for me..but to him it was like fate. so duh.. ok, why scary? cos i hav never even seen him before although he saw me soo many times before! imagine a stranger going up to u n say "ke yi ren shi ni ma?" i showed him my name tag n walked away. haha.. but.. how didn he manage to remember each n every one of those incidents when i dun at all? he even remembers wat i was wearing n doing then! he said if some things r meant to be remembered, it cant be forgotten. i dun understand. then i changed topic, i said, as a fren, dun hav to send me home each time we go out u noe? he said, like exams, if u dun "fu chu", there wont be "jie guo".. huh..? i mean as frenz.. wat jie guo... fu chu or not, still frenz mah... dun really need a fren to do soo much for me.. e worst thing would be him refusing to go dutch. its a lot of $, n he works OT, works 7 days a week, juz so as to be able to save up. i will feel very bad.. anyway, gonna watch initial d with him next week.. hmmm...so now tis a weekly sort of thing? i dunno... i hate to admit, cos its scary, but i do like going out with him. i mean as a fren.. n no, i hav not forgotten my bf... (he juz cant go out with me before our chalet. his mama's prob again......) =P
*made my wish*<3
4:45 PM
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
dunno how am i going to fare for my paper today.. but it juz sux.. anyway, tat day went to colour my hair instead of cut. lol... quite ex leh.. $85.00 my mum's fren.. so he said dun wan dye obvious or i will be "marked" when i go work.. dUh.. didnt see any pudding i fancy, so didnt buy.. continue looking ba.. im soo crazy.. tmr im suppose to study. but im gonna meet him. cos he didnt understand wat i was saying in e sms... lol.. evening time.. so ok ba.. i will be home alone anyway, if i dun go out.. so muz study later n tmr morning.. hate exams.. wanna go back work.. my captain got promoted to am. so now its manager.. such a funny lady. but inspiring.. remember how she encouraged me when i said "tis term exams sure gone.." haha.. ya, i will jia you...... 2 more papers to go... ;)
*made my wish*<3
10:40 PM
Sunday, June 12, 2005
"last day" at work today. for now... cos e next time i return to work is on e 21 june!! so sad... i wanna work.. anyway, had a great day at work today, yesterday n day before yesterday. hee... we started selling chocolate fondue n its soo fun..!! haha.. BUT, rite now. exams...here i come.... eWw...
well... hav been daydreaming a lot lately. im not mad, really, im juz thinking. all of a sudden had soo much feelings i hav never felt before for a long long time. tis is supposed to be my secret! but, i juz cant keep it inside, n i cant tell anyone rite now!! if only someone could answer these doubts of mine.. im so confused, so doubtful of myself, so happy. haha.. i really wonder.. n i think it is true. some things do change over time. nothing will remain e same forever. well, it has somehow changed for me rite now. n e worst thing of e worst worst thing, e thing is: feelings. sometimes i do wish tat we can carry on n be e same, maybe forever. but i realised my character wont allow me to. i hope such things wont happen at all, but tat was naive thinking. human can be very complicated. i may seem like a simple gal, with a simple life, simple rship. but no, i am not like tis on e inside. i dunno if tis is juz part n parcel of long term rship or izzit a real change, but these things juz bother me rite now.. u wont believe it. i actually sort of cast my bf aside, esp after i started working evening shift. i didnt sms him, didnt call him, not in e moring, not at nite. he calls n i said i dun feel like talking. i dunno wats with me. i juz suddenly realised wat i did n it was soo mean. not me. i dun feel like going out with him, n even dun wish to go to e chalet we had booked for next week. tis feels so sad, weird n complicated! i dunno izzit cos of e unhappiness we alwaz face each time we go out-his mother, or izzit i hav had enough n rather go out with someone else. all of a sudden, i yearn to be single again. honestly, i do enjoy being single (before him). after him, im juz soo dependent on him, soo used to him. if i were single now, i wont hav soo much doubts. well, u ppl may feel ya noe, going out with someone else when ure attached is no big deal. but to me, it matters. simply cos i dun wan my bf to do e same to me! but again, i changed tis philosophy of mine recently. i rather choose a guy who is fun but flirtatious, than a guy who is faithful but boring. i really dunno... if i tell himj im gonna go out with so n so agin, hes gonna get mad. but if i keep it frm him, it feels sooo wrong!! but no matter wat he says, i will still go out. cos i feel happy, but with guilt. at time i wonder if its true. maybe hes still a student, never worked before, so he will never understand. so i dun tell him abt stuff tat happened at work. but i ought to tell someone, n e person is never him! big test to our rship. will i ever regret if i gave it up? or i shd stay n be bored to tears, be unhappy? im not tat old yet, i should still make more frenz while i hav e chance rite? sighz... *prays*may tis mystery be solved soon*prays* anyway, gonna say something very typical of a single... i didnt see him on thurs n fri, so i was praying very hard i would see him today so i can study happily. n...i saw him. i dunno why am i happy to see him, dun ask me, tats a mystery too... anyway, saw him many many times... he came to my shop again. asked me out(again). i said yes. e day before, i said no...cos...i dun wanan go swimming with him(he juz learnt to swim, cant save me)! LOL.. anyway, he would really make a good fren if he would ever be a good fren of mine. cos i like guys like him. anyway, he wans to go n see tis exhibition, n i thought it was nice, so ok... im starting to sound soo xxx... i shall say no more.. juz take a step at a time, be happy =) tmr gonna cut hair... haha... n i hope to buy a pudding hamster if i see any i fancy.. hehe... i miss hunny... my very first pudding. i still think abt him... =( well... ok, gonna zZz soon... =P
*made my wish*<3
12:33 AM
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
my exams r next week. but i dun hav much confidence in myself. tis time, really tough subjects.. but im soo glad i wont hav to be in sch for e next few weeks. hee... it will be exams, then work for e whole of next 2 weeks! well... cos im happy where im working i guess.. anyway, yesterday...went to watch 'unleashed' at lido. not my type of movie, but it was nice i guess.. it was like an experience yesterday. lol.. cos u noe.. 2 different type of culture ya see.. i made my first "mistake" by wanting to go dutch for tat movie. well, he got angry. i meant really angry then ignored me.. so i kinda like u noe..ok....i say no more....then he said if i wanted to pay then brush up my chinese first. LOL.. well...i mean my chi-na is ok, juz tat i cant really interpret some very 'chim' words he was saying. after tat i found out he was still very new towards e road of s'pore.. so i didnt wan him send me home, but he insisted saying i was looking down on him izzit?? !!! so, ok...but only until my bus stop n i showed him where to take e bus home. its like really very very different frm going out with a local guy. not abt those incidences, but e way rite frm e start to e end. a lot of unexpected stuff...like e things we talked abt, e way he asked stuff, e way he did some things etc.. all different... anyway, we werent e only shang ppl in e cinema, n there was one sitting rite next to me. haha.. seen him before but dunno him. lol... but even before i got home, he was asking me if i wanna go out to here or there again... n if next week is possible.... well.... i dunno...... oh ya, another thing. he has a nice name. i like.. not his christian name, but his "original" name. ;) actually "dates" like tat rnt too bad. i guess my bf n i r like too together we didnt widen our social circle much ever since we r together. i mean, i suddenly feel yup, i still need friends somehow. not classmates or colleagues, but friends... i hav been missing out a lot on e "friends" part.. =) like before i went to meet him, i was at a classmate's house doing project. but it was an enjoyable one.. something i havent done for a long long time.. i mean going my friends' house slacking n chatting abt nothing at all.. well... anyway... im happy to be back at work tmr..! =P
*made my wish*<3
6:33 PM
Monday, June 06, 2005
its really great. no school tmr.. haha... a nice break juz before exams.. sometimes i really wonder.. why little things would bug me soo much.. but anyway... nothing much is bugging me now.. haha.. juz thinking back on my previous blog. well, im not being silly thinking soo much or watever. juz tat in watever i do i like to find logic or i will feel very ... anyway.. hav to meet up for project in e morning.. meeting at boon lay!! soo far!! but i dun mind.. helps me pass time.. hav to wait till 6.50pm... ;D ok...dun wan say anymore abt watever... but yea, im still unsure. cant put into words somehow.. anyway, gonna watch chn 8 le... its 9pm =)
*made my wish*<3
8:59 PM
Friday, June 03, 2005
i slept at 2am last nite.. but its funny i woke up at 8am n couldnt get to sleep anymore!! urghh... so i thought i'll try to do my prject, BUT i didnt receive tat email i was supposed to!! nothing to do, its like still soo early, n im sure of it...im gonna fall asleep abt 2pm in e afternoon later (like yaesterday!).. funny habits of mine... anyway...im like soo bored now.. starting work only at 4pm... dun wanna go out walk walk, weather soo warm.. actually tis 4-11 shift is not too bad, juz tat im used to morning shift i guess.. well...its busier than morning, but tat makes time pass faster. hopefully it will rain later...bUt, only after i reach workplace.. hehe.. well...actually from yesterday till now..i hav been thinking abt some things. not tat theres soo much to think abt nor is it something tat big a matter... but it juz bugs me.. i mean i dun see anything wrong with it, but my bf wont think likewise.. i dunno if i should tell him. he doesnt like me to do things like tis.. but anyway... i thought i could avoid tat chef. i mean, kitchen staff n service staff dun alwaz meet. n i thought i dun like those chefs in my hotel. they sux!! but he came looking for me at e shop, my colleague was beside me, but tis time he asked anyway... no he didnt ask, it wasnt a choice anymore. its more like a promise to him.. he asked me to choose sat, mon or tue. i chose tue, cos need not go sch on tat day... he said he finishes work in e evening but he will take care of e tix, asked for my number so he could contact me n then said, "dun forget, tat movie" n he went off... cant believe i actually agreed... i dunno how come, but i said yes.. so rare ok... well, i dun break promises, i will go... if anyone actually understands wat im saying, n wat i mean... well, later...maybe i will see him, maybe not.. but anyway, think i better go do something else le.. oh, n its raining rite now.. hah... ;P
*made my wish*<3
11:29 AM
